dallonshatingit

The challenge of this book

The challenge of this book is to get you to read it. It is not a pretty book it tells it like it is. The story does get funny at times and I try to lighten it up as much as I can. But it is met to make you look and pay attention to your children and all the children that are not yours also. Yes it tells my story but who am I really, most likely you do not care. It is to make you understand that today is the same as 20 years ago or even 30 or 40 years ago. Deviants are still out in just as much force as they were all those years ago. It is a challenge to them to practice their craft undetected. To prove to you and I that they are smarter than us and can still practice their craft in open waters and not get caught. Do not fool yourself they are much smarter than you will ever know and very few of them get caught. So few that todays children will be just as ruined as you and I.

As I write this the supreme court struck down a ruling to kill child molesters. I have to ask myself why, a molester is a killer. Just of another kind. They take souls before the victim is dead at least the grim reaper waits till you die. How do I get you to pay attention or for that matter get this published so at least you can have the choice to read it. Am I any different than the other billion or so raped and molested adults who have suffered their entire life. Yes I am. Here is why I care I care enough to speak for free where ever I am called. I care enough to step in and make myself heard in a bad spot. I care enough to die for your child, for any child anywhere who needs me I will be their. My voice will be loud and strong and clear. Dying for my beliefs is not a problem to me and never has been. I have stood in front of men with guns to save a child thankfully I have never been shot atleast by him, but none the less I have stood in front of a gun blocking a child not my own. Thinking if you pull that trigger and shoot me in the belly I will break your neck before I die.

I have stood between a woman and a man who was going to beat her shaking so uncontrollably worried he would see and he did not. All he saw and heard was me saying hey hit me. I am 5 '8″ 200 pounds I am a match for any man and I really do not like to many of them.

How do I get you to take part in this. How can I make your voice as loud as mine. How do I get you to stand in front of a man with a gun and have the courage to die for anothers child. How do I get you to pay attention and see things that are not right and question it. Make yourself heard. This book will not inspire you to do such a thing.

And because you do not do it does not mean you are a coward. Quit simply it means I am not that bright and never have been the brights bulb on the chandelier very far from it. I am the kind of person who acts and does not think and believe me im not sure it is the best way to be but Im good with it because all I ever wanted to do was make a difference and I know I have. But not enough times. When I die Im sure they will say she was stupid but then they will also say was that really a woman. So what the hey.

Until my youngest daughter was 9 I could not wash any of
my children below the neck. I was so afraid all those
years that BOB lived within me.

My kids have looked at me many a time and wondered and down right asked if I took the little bus to school. I said only in math. Oh and also science and good grief algebra. But I did like art and drafting I got kicked out photography when the FBI paid a visit to my house and a few others. But what the hey we were kids not smart enough to think about being full time criminals or counterfeiters. To us we were just taking pictures and it was neat. So yes I do have an FBI file but then so do you you just do not know it as do most people from the 60's to the late 70's it was just that time period. Any of us could have been russian spies. You know the whole blond hair blue eye thing. And of course I have brown hair and brown eyes with olive skin. As you would guess not native to england but other countries that did not speak english. But of course I speak english well I speak southern english and am proud of it. But I do not think the south will rise again.

So enough of the stupid stuf back to my challenge How do I get you to be that person. I will have to tell you about uncle BOB. And of course uncle BOB also has an FBI file as he had a friend he worked with who was arrested for selling secrets to the russians. Hey what can I say it was the 60's and the 70's I guess the russians paid good because their sure were a lot of people arrested during that time.

But uncle BOB was smarter than the FBI he never got caught not by them not by my mother not by anyone. He had honed his craft and his ability to lie beyond anyones dreams. I believe he also was working for the russians how else could he have been so good at lying.

But wait could it have been the Russian master plan send in the early 20's and 30's a boat load of child molesters over here. Have them work and hone their craft all those years and destroy entire generations of americans. Ya thats it my goodness they were much smarter than originally thought. Because after they did that who would need to invade a country where the children would kill their parents and their offspring.

Maybe I should have worked for the FBI (yeah right) wrong.

Bob of course a man who did not believe in GOD and working for an aerospace company that built rockets and other multimillion dollar wastes of yours and my money. Used to tell his story about aliens. He used to say if their were aliens why would they come here. It would be like us going to the moon and finding a herd of cows. Why would we land we would just radio back that their was cows on the moon and fly away. Then come back and kill them later.

Let me give you and the US government my take on aliens whether they cross the border or fly here from a distant galaxy. First off stop wasting my money and Social Security benefits on people who do not speak english. Second I do not care if their is life on other planets. Let them come to us because if they do they are much smarter than us and if you found them you would just want to go to war with them over the moon or mars or even the sun. Please give up this whole have to rule everything thing it is a waste of the most precious thing we have our children. I did not make my children so you can kill them. Now for every person who wants to rule something go fight for it by yourself.

Because in this country you will find an underlying core of people who will stop you when you get to them. Do not send my or anyone else's children to do your dirty work be man enough to stand toe to toe with the ruler of another country and slug him in the face and knock him out or get knocked out either is fine with me as long as no child gets hurt for you. Because one day the mothers of this country will rise up and fight for our children and when we do it will get ugly.

We know where to hit yall(lol)

Can you imagine if any of our past presidents actually got in a fist fight with the other guy. Yes fighting is stupid but a one on one fist fight with the other guy. Id pay to see that and vote for that guy. After all a drunk guy in a bar fight can usually hold no grudge after the fight the other guy is his friend then. Im sorry Pres. Carter but I would have had to put my money on the other guy. But then if your brother billy had been the pres. at that time it would have been a good fight and funny also. Ya know the whole guy thing. Imagine how many children would have their mother or father and how many parents would have their boys or girls. It would truly be a great world to live in then. Because it would all be figured out and mothers would teach their sons much different.

Once again im going to pick on past Pres. Carter the whole volunteer building homes thing and raising money. The whole habitat for humanity thing goes against everything a pres. does. What are you trying to do make the country think? That you are a good guy. For GODs sake you were the pres. of this country you on more than one occasion gave the order to kill a family in another country. Do you think because you did it in another country if makes it Ok. War crimes acts are a funny thing can you imagine an American pres. or vice pres. being arrested in a country who indicted them for war crimes.

My mother one time beat up the neighbor for dragging
her child by the hair. That child was me.

People think about this our pres. can not go to certain countries without the fear of being arrested and tried for war crimes. George W Bush and other high ranking US government officials. What does that tell you about what they do as a job and former Pres. Carter acts as if he did not do the same thing. Maybe for him it is about atonement.

Sorry for getting off track I tend to do that. Ok back to saving the world. First off why do we need to go back to the moon? This is the dumbest thing I have ever heard of and again a waste of my Social Security. Almost 50 years ago we found out their are not even any cows their much less air or water which happens to be a very vital thing for humans. We found out then their is nothing we can do their.

Then think about this what if we do do something their. What is that called terra-forming or something stupid like that. What if you make it so somehow the moon crashes into the earth because you changed something that was not supposed to be changed. Now give me a break Mars a planet so far away we can not get their and get back. I think mars is like 250 million miles from earth. How many years does it take to get their Huh all I know is this it takes way to long to fly to Australia forget 250 million miles from earth. Australia is like 5000 miles from where I live.

So guys give it a rest yall have spent way to much of my social security on mars. At least the moon I can see at night. It is dead and will always be dead. And yalls ego's can not bring it back to life.

Then their is that other stupid thing. The space station. what are yall thinkin here. Did yall watch star trek one to many times. Are yall thinkin it is going to be a space port. For what? It is not big enough to be a factory and never will be and everything yall experiment with their will never be able to be mass produced at least not up their. Every year billions of dollars are wasted for things not on this earth and in space. I as a tax paying veteran want to know why yall waste all this money. For things that will never come to be. The thing will never be able to hold more than three people. Because the escape vehicle can hold no more than three people.

Imagine how much money would be saved if these programs did not exist. We do not really need then anyways. How much less of all the bad stuff would be out their that ruins this planet. I say put those scientists to world saving the earth because it has a few main life supporting ingredients needed to keep life going here and keep the earth from becoming mars.

A funny thing to think about. Each country on the space station doing secret experiments And hiding it from each other. Now that is a funny thought. Or if one country gets mad at the other and the other has the bathroom up their. Or one day a Russian and US space walkers are doing a walk and we go to war. Someone is not coming back from that space walk. Inter government cooperation funny one.

One more stupid space thing. That telescope whatever it is called hubble or something like that. I get my pictures at walgreens for like six bucks. Who in their right mind pays like 4 billion dollars for a picture. Now granted one of them was really pretty but 4 billion dollars worth no. Let that stupid thing fall out of the sky at least it will be pretty burning up in the sky and we can see it. It cost like 20 million dollars to fix it never mind if our most precious resources die going to it or coming back from it. It is not worth one human life nothing in space is worth one human life and we have lost more than one already.

But is it not so like egos and man to do things without having the answers first. Here is what I say I put my life and money where my mouth is. Before you can fix anything you have to know how to fix it. Right here everyday we are confronted with such things as global warming poverty dying children aids and host of other things. Lets fix this planet first we are a mess and getting worse so others can explore places we can not live. If terra forming is what you want to do we have more than a few deserts on earth that could use terra forming. The government is supposed be for the people and by the people. How is mars for the people?

Here is what's for the people. Laws that really work punishments that fit the crime. Holding ourselves to the same standards that we expect of everyone else. Being accountable for our own actions and excepting responsibility for things we have done wrong and the people we have wronged. Trying everyday to make a difference in the best way we can.

Okay on to the aliens already here.

I do not know what to really say here. But im sure as I write it will come as it always does. Okay lets look at this with open eyes not rose colored glasses and not x-ray specks either. What has happened and will continue to happen is real simple.

America has had terrorists for a very long time why are yall worried now. I was born in California. In 1959 I was in school from 1960 something till 1977 Those of you on border states other than california also know this. Mexicans did not just start coming here on 9/11 as a child they picked in the strawberry fields of california. They lived on the ranches and worked them this is nothing new and still happens today. Their are just far less strawberries fields.

By my recollection we have allowed them to live here for 49 years. We have allowed them to form their gangs which in my opinion are also terrorist organizations. We just gave them another name. Do not be fooled in countries like england IRA is a terrorist group. How many members define a gang a cult or terrorist cell. Their was three men living in San Diego they called them a terrorist cell. I would say roughly half the population of california is mexican if we went to war against Mexico today they would take california no problem except for maybe the red neck parts.

Honestly why are we wasting our time. California is not that great it has earth quakes. It is hot as hell and as the song says it never rains. And if the earthquake people are right it is going to fall into the ocean anyways. Their are lots of people and companies who have hedged their bet by buying property on the other side of san andres fault in hopes of it becoming beach front property one day. All we have to do is give it back and wait because most of mexico is also as low as california and if it does fall in the ocean the ocean will rise and kill most of them.

Here is the other thing it is not that person walking on foot across the 125 degree california desert that we need to worry about. They die everyday crossing the california desert for a better life. Its the guys in vehicles that can with stand the hot california desert. They are the ones with the money. We never enforced it why worry now we did it. For years the border states have complained to the US government about this problem it fell on deaf ears till 9/11

Fences give me a break our dog digs out all the time. A moat in Texas they have the rio grande river they swim it everyday hence the name wet back I think that river is in Texas im not real good with geography sorry.

Once again every year billions are spent trying to keep people out of this country that at one time we did very little to keep them from coming over here. We are simply reaping what we sow and it hurts and is bleeding. To us mexico is like the moon with cows they really have nothing we need or want except mexican food and we have taco bell already. It is pretty much a lawless country and does not allow people to prosper within its own borders.

Who in their right mind would choose to be singled
out made fun of harassed beat up or even
killed because of the sexual orientation

You see their children have the same thing our children have the american dream. We gave it to them when we paid them and they sent it home to mexico. Once again stop wasting my social security on problems that can never be solved. Figure out how to make it work it is to late to send them home.

Heres my solution take the damn fence down. In some places on the border their is no fence at all why worry about it anymore. Stop the bleeding. Whether we like it or not we have done this it is taking way to much effort and money and is doing nothing. They dig tunnels people. Americans profit from bringing them here and from them working for them. I have a friend who owns a business in california. Here is what he says.

He employees nothing but Illegal aliens. They dont care they are not coming here to get them and he is right. He owns a business in L.A. a place where INS sweeps the bus stations. But they never sweep his business he has been doing this for over 30 years and they have never once been to his business. Even though former employees have called what is now known as ICE.

One real big problem is this even though you were born here does not mean you fly the american flag or even believe in it. But if you were born here and fly a flag of another country in your yard you can work for the american government. In order to make a difference in anything you have to believe in it. And support it 100 percent not 50 percent or even 75 percent.

I stand by my flag I proved it some 28 years ago that I will die for the stars and stripes. Have you? You will never burn an american flag in front of me.

We are one country the United states of america not the USA and everyone else. People come here to live a life they can not live in their own countries that is fine. Open the borders let them come in make them serve. Make them pledge to one flag the one they would die to live the life of. Nobody is trying to sneak into mexico or for that matter canada. Our flag is red white and blue and to those who have served it means something. And if the american flag means nothing to you then go home.

Our sons and daughters have to serve so if they want to be here they should have to serve no matter what their age. They should have to serve and make what our soldiers make and live like they have to live and fight even if it is against their own country.

This is the only way they should be allowed to be here. It hurts me to think our boys and girls serve so they can live here like I do.

Wow I hope I made myself clear on that one.
Thats what I think about that yes it is full of emotion Might need a smiley face.

Do you know an Uncle BOB?

Intro

First lets start with fully 1/3 of the proceeds from this book if it sells will go for me to travel to my speaking venues since I do not get paid to speak and fund it with my own money. It is my hope that this book will allow me to reach many people who I could not reach before.

When you write a book such as this you have to decide am I doing this to hurt someone or even an entire family. It is very easy to get lost in the whole revenge thing. And what better way to get revenge. Then to write a book and name names and families.

I have been asked to write a book about my life. I have often wondered what would I write and who really wants to know about a child who was born both boy and girl. Does anyone really want to read this stuff. People think if you are both boy and girl you are that way because you want to be. People say you can choose to be one I tried. Through out this book their will be little parts of me telling you how hard it was to be one.

A friend asked me one time if I was writing a book about my life. I sent her back an email With LOL in it. I have learned through the years that even though I know how badly I have been damaged. People look at me and see what they think is a strong person. A rock. They could not be farther from the truth. I have spent my entire life on the edge always afraid of what may lurk deep inside me. I have spoke at hundreds of gatherings both at schools and businesses. I have tried to educate any and everyone who would listen.

I told that friend of mine their is a point in life where it no longer becomes about one person. It becomes about the silenced the dead the dying those who's souls have been stolen by these people. Looking into the empty eyes of another because of what a sex crazed person had done to them as a child.

No this is not about revenge yes I have named names but only first names. Yes I have named cities where this person lives and where this person worked. But the truth is. Nobody in his family will read this as their is only one sister left. And his brother is a man with grown children. Plus I have changed a few details about myself.

It is written to help those who will read it and put it into action. For those mothers who just do not know what is happening. For the grandmothers who will most likely read it and pass it on. if you have read this book pass it on just give it away. To someone anyone most preferably a mother. Help a child pay attention you can never be to aware.

Do you know an Uncle Bob

What I am going to tell you is a true story and his name was uncle BOB well Bob but he was an uncle.

But what I first want you to know is I am a grown adult and am very well aware of what saying what I am about to say can do to a persons life and would never ever make up a lie to hurt another for any reason. I would not knowingly or with any type of ill intent set out to ruin an innocent persons life.

It is a look at a child molester and rapist to show you just how common he was and is today. Uncle Bob had three sisters Lena bell Arla and Charlotte and two brother they called them Jack and buddy. Uncle Bob was and still is a child molester and a rapist. Bobs brothers jack and buddy. Jack had two children jeff and shanda, Bobs sister charlotte had two children Gary and stephen, Arla had two children Stephan and celeste, Bobs sister Lena have an adopted boy. Buddy had a daughter I forget her name she was a nut. Bob had a lot of choices besides his adopted child and one bio daughter Michelle.

Bob worked for a large aerospace company in Redondo Beach California. He built such space craft as the moon hopper and the rover. He also worked on the star wars program. He loved to take pictures and go down in old mines with his brother Jack. He had a darkroom in his garage where he played with cameras and children namely me. He seemed to be very smart and he was (hence) the word deviant.

deviant |ˈdēvēənt|
adjective
departing from usual or accepted standards, esp. in social or sexual behavior : deviant behavior | a deviant ideology.
• chiefly offensive homosexual.
noun
a deviant person or thing.
ORIGIN late Middle English : from late Latin deviant- 'turning out of the way,' from the verb deviare (see deviate ).

deviant
adjective
deviant behavior aberrant, abnormal, atypical, anomalous, irregular, nonstandard; nonconformist, perverse, uncommon, unusual; freakish, strange, odd, peculiar, bizarre, eccentric, idiosyncratic, unorthodox, exceptional; warped, perverted; informal kinky, quirky. antonym normal.
noun
we were seen as deviants nonconformist, eccentric, maverick, individualist; outsider, misfit; informal oddball, weirdo, freak, screwball, kook, odd duck.

ODD DUCK, ABNORMAL,IRREGULAR

Bob did not believe in GOD he was a self proclaimed atheist. Good way for a man like him to be.

People looked up to Bob thinking he was a very smart man. They just never knew how smart Bob was. At a time in life when men at his work were being arrested for selling secrets to the russians. He was perfecting his craft learning how not to get caught. How to make it look like a rope a dope. A boxing term for showing one thing and doing the exact opposite.

For most purposes he seemed to be like all other men except he had a thing for animals namely dogs and his step child. Nobody ever knew what was hid beneath him and inside him. He knew before he even started he had to have a plan. A way to discredit a child if accused. So he like so many other deviant's set out to make a child look like a liar no matter what. That is a plan and is why and how they act as they do.

Even today he is polishing his skills. How does he do it? Who does he choose? It is simple the best targets for him are troubled children early to late teens. In trouble in school most likely trouble with the law and never believed these are his perfect targets. He looks for single mothers desperate for some sort of help in their lives. Usually troubled themselves drugs alcoholics working as a waitress making very little money. Willing to accept all he has to offer them.

It is surprising how well they perfect this. How easy they plan and attack a child. How normal it all seems. How nobody ever suspects a thing. Smart I do not think that smart truly is a good enough word to describe how they work. Smart implies they did something well or good. But they are beyond well or good. I would use words like brilliant masterful cunning. They put up such a front they make you think that they hate this child even striking it with their balled up fist as to show hate and disdain for the way this child acts. Making this child afraid that they will kill it and the mother also. All the while when the mother is gone and he is alone with this child who wants this person to love it and will do anything to feel like this man loves him or her.

The worst part is this. The child most likely to young to know about sex and what is right or wrong. Goes on with the game not everything about sex hurts as a matter of fact after time nothing about sex hurts.

He moves them into his home takes them on vacations wines and dines them buys them cars all the time having his way with their child. They are to grateful and to blind to see what he is doing. He offers to take the children places and do things with them like camping with daddy in a tent alone out in the woods. Where he is safe if something goes wrong their is no one to say yes he did accept a child with lots off problems and a mother who is not listening or does not believe him or her. Good old uncle Bob would never do such a thing. Good old uncle Bob a deviant a pervert a soul stealer.

If you ask his family he is the perfect man. If you ask the right person say me he is a liar and a deviant. Not caring who he hurts as long as he has a toy and a child.

I watched BOB for years and listened to him and my mother. I never let him near my children. I listen to him and my mother as I said. And sometimes thought ya know maybe it is all just me. Maybe I had a dream of being held face down on the bed face stuffed into a pillow and a penis being rammed inside me. Maybe Im wrong maybe it did not happen at all. Maybe one of my friends told me what their father had done to them and I was making it mine.

Then I remember I was only 10 and did not yet know what a penis was for or anything else about them. It was the early 70's sex was not a talked about thing in our house it was hushed taboo not spoken about by my mother.

I had not reached junior high school yet and had not had sex education yet. So if I did not know what one was yet how could I have ever had that kind of dream. It is then that I know my mother was wrong. On her death bed she told me your father would never hurt you. Why did she say that I had never told her what he had done. It is then that I realized that my mother must have known. And if she did why did she not kill him? Why did she not stand up for her own child? Why did she just let it go? Why did she not tell my father?

Better yet where was my father and why did he not love me enough to make sure I was not being hurt. Heres to you Jerry when they called me to give blood because we were the same I gave for you. I guess I loved you more than you ever loved me and I have no memory of you. You are my only parent and the grandfather of my children and still you hide(in phoenix)

You may say why does she mention Jerry? Here is why mothers listen up and listen good remember this one thing if you remember nothing else from this book. Even though sometimes real fathers do hurt their families. The occurrence of a real parent hurting their own child is much lower than a step parent. Im not saying all step parents hurt their step children Im saying the odds are far better for your children that if you do divorce and have another man in your children's life watch him it does not matter boy or girl their are a lot of men out their who have been raped by a parent and nobody ever finds out because they are to ashamed to tell.

Now How much can I really tell you about uncle BOB. To tell a lot about him and his actions would be saying I turned out just like him and I did not. And as I say if you have never robbed a bank and gotten away with it you might not want to try because you will most likely get caught.

Here is what I can tell you he was very average for the time. You say very average what the heck is that. If you did not know what he did you would never expect that he was that type of person. He never gave any clue's that I know of. He blended in like one of those lizzards. But of course I made a point of not being home when he was and was known for being gone from sun up to long after sunset when my mother came home and even then it still happened in his darkroom. One thing I can tell you I have lived my entire life with fear. Fear that one day BOB would show his head and I would act just like him and hurt a child. I have not and have never had the thoughts. But I have had the nightmares but thats another chapter and maybe another book on dreams and their meaning.

But none the less that does not take away the fear. The old saying you lie down with dogs you get up with fleas was coined for a reason and is true. well I am a simple person and have to believe their are people way smarter than me in this world. And the one thing they say is if you were molested you will molest. I do not yet know if that is right but as of today it is not. But I still live with that fear and on my death bed I hope I can say that is one statistic that is wrong. And that I am living proof well I would not be then but when I lived I was living proof it was wrong.

Anyways back to BOB just your average guy to most people as a matter of fact all people but me. Even today my family thinks me a liar. And that I just want to get back at him for some reason for which I have no idea. People do not understand in my mind their is no price high enough to pay for what he has done. And why would I waste my time with silly lies I am grown and certainly understand what saying this means. It show's you these people work long after they have committed the original crime to hide it and will work their angle their entire life to stay hidden. As I stated brilliant cunning masterful!

If you had ever met BOB without reading this book and knew who he was you would never suspect never.

In the beginning

Somewhere deep in the pages of all of this book is me. I wish I had someone to thank for all that has happened in my life. Or someone to pay respects to for me being me. Or even someone to blame.

Their is no one. My mother a woman born on the streets of Detroit tough hardly a woman any man would choose to mess with. Died in the fight of her life. I loved her but she hated me.

My mother taught me to be tough. She taught me how to fight and stand up for me my mother knew my life was going to be hell. My mother one time beat up the neighbor for dragging her child by the hair. That child was me.

My mother had always taught us to respect our elders and we did what my mother taught as we knew she would kill us. She coined the phrase long before Bill Cosby did I brought you into the world I will take you out and we believed it. While my stepfather was busy bugging our rooms all she did was ask and got the answer first time. I never shared a room. I always had my own room. While my sisters had the same room. It was much cooler than mine but of course i did have Elvis.

Their was never any question as to would the punishment fit the crime it never did. At least thats how we felt. But then I grew up in a time where mom came with the belt or the cord and you knew it was going to hurt.

So you knew always do what mom says and never sass back. You knew if she was mad it was going to hurt. So we did our best not to get caught.

All that being said one day the neighbor told my mother as he was dragging me by the hair that I had told him to @##@ off. I am here to tell you that never happened and my mother never questioned as to if I did say it. She knew I knew that I would be punished beyond belief if I ever said that word. To this day I do not and never have said that word. Or the half past a freckle joke soap is not a good thing. I can still remember the taste of that soap almost 40 years later.

She told him that I would never say such a thing and to let go of her child. He did not at least until he was falling to the ground. With one punch my mother had knocked out the neighbor. Did I mention my grandfather the late great was a boxer. And a pool shark he taught at the cue club in vegas. He was the best. He knew Sammy Davis Junior that was way cool to me.

When I look in the Mirror I see my mother. My mother was cold to her children pretty much without emotion. Why I do not know but I think its because she had lost a child. My what would have been older brother Steven. I so wish he had survived i would love to have an older brother. I am not cold to my children

My father I never knew him. I have no memory of him. He is alive and lives in Arizona somewhere. One night back in the 1980's I got a phone call. She never said who she was but said my father needed me to donate blood. As he had been caught by another man sleeping with that mans wife and he cut his throat from ear to ear. The next day I did but I never heard anything else. He obviously knew where I lived and my phone number. To my Father Jerry in Arizona I love u. He used to live in Houston I think.

The only man I knew as a father lives in Garden grove ca. and still does he is a child molester. Uncle BOB To him I say thanks for all the memories and fear.

In the beginning how do I start in the beginning. My doctors have told me I have blocked out all of the bad stuff. Well if that is true then your mind just makes up more bad stuff. I have blocked out to me most of the good stuff or my life as child is much worse than I ever thought or remember.

Ok here is how I start in the beginning my friends have said just tell your story and people will listen. I never tell my story it is hard enough to face daily. And on more than one occasion I have found what drugs will just make you sick or do nothing in the way of ending your life. Yes I have tried. Always the wrong meds.

I was born in a time that when a child was born both sexes they took drastic measures. I have wondered about my mothers choices. But then I have seen some butchered adults born both sexes in the 50's and 60's. My mother tried to raise me boy but found out you can not fight mother nature or the natural selection process or natural selection of attraction to another human being. I learned at a very early age sexual orientation is something you are born with you do not acquire it and it is not learned.

Let me stray for a moment from me and my life. As I became and adult I really began to understand things and I want to share them with you. I am not gay I was born both sexes today we are called inter sex people and we exist in many forms. And most of us live our entire lives alone because who wants to be with someone like us. I got lucky in that respect I did not live most of my life alone. I have six children and I gave birth to all of them.

Anyways back to sexual orientation.
I want you to think about a few things.

Who in their right mind would choose to be singled out made fun of harassed beat up or even killed because of the sexual attraction. Now girls think about this have you ever been around that guy. You know the one he made you swum he made you go Oh my gosh. He said no words to you, you were just their and all of sudden you became flustered and had this terrible attraction to a man you did not even know and could do nothing to control the attraction but leave as quick as you could. Here is some info for you they say a women knows the minute she meets a man by his facial features what type of man he is. Facial features. They say we can tell right away what kind of man he is.

Men do not have this ability. Men do not have the same feelings they never get around a woman and go Oh my gosh and have to run off because of a strange and overwhelming feeling of attraction.

Natural selection based on sexual identity and orientation. They say the strongest steroid in the world are hormones. Some women body builders take male hormones to get bigger and men take more male hormones to get stronger.

steroid |ˈsterˌoid; ˈsti(ə)r-|
noun Biochemistry
any of a large class of organic compounds with a characteristic molecular structure containing four rings of carbon atoms (three six-membered and one five). They include many hormones, alkaloids, and vitamins.
• short for anabolic steroid .

The point is next time you look at a gay man or woman know this it is not a choice and never was. It was the natural selection process we possess.

To all of you who say it is wrong and against GOD and The Bible. Let me remind you of this. If you are Christian and believe in either the old or new testament. It tells us before we were born. Our life was written in the book of life everything was known about us by GOD before we were born. Do you honestly think a simple human being threw GOD a curve ball. If you believe a human could do that you do not have to much faith in GOD. If GOD did not want you to be born you would not be period.

More on this later

More about me

So anyways my mother insistent on raising me as boy. I now know why but thats another chapter. For a very long time I really knew no different. I can vividly remember my first protest to being boy. I was six. I did not want a barbie I did not want a dress. My mother called me her little boy. I said I was not a boy i was a girl that ended with a slap to the face and a scolding. This would be repeated many times in my life from my mother. Because of course as time goes on the feelings of being self aware grow. As time went on I graduated to my own life my mother could not stop me. But she also would not buy me any clothes I wanted and stopped taking me shopping with her. I can remember telling my mother that girls got all the best clothes because they had flowers and color which at this time boys clothes had stripes. All of my friends were girls I had no sexual attraction to any of them as far as I was concerned I was one of them. I later found out I was not when one of them took her clothes off for me one day. My only thought was wow I will look like that soon enough. Nothing could be more wrong I never knew what was coming. I never knew what those pills were until long after they had done their damage to me.

While the pills were male hormones the one thing they never did was change my sexuality. They never made me want to be with a girl nothing did yes I know hormones are mind altering. The only thing I can say to that is that they were not for me. I never had a sexual attraction to any gender for years. My friends would wonder why my mother would allow me and my girlfriends to go in my room and close the door. My mother knew nothing would happen and nothing ever did.

Nothing ever happened till a boy touched me. He was unsure of his own identity and had been raped by a another boy. Now do not misunderstand what Im saying here. By the time a boy touched me i was already being raped by my stepfather. And did not know I was pregnant with my stepfathers child. You see despite all my mothers attempts to make me a boy my stepfather was making sure I would never be a boy. I already knew what that touch felt like. And this boy was my best friends boy friend and I did not really like him anyways and he thought I was a boy. Something I was not willing to explore with anyone was my private parts.

I knew if I did the whole city of Garden Grove and the whole school also would know about me. Life was already tough enough for me. I could go in neither the boyz locker room or the girls I had to change in the coaches office in a closet. I was not safe in the pool. I lived the first 12 years of my life in fear more that people would find out about me. I was never afraid they would find out what my stepfather was doing. I was afraid some of the boyz would find out and I would be hurt. All my teachers knew and one was really bad to me for no reason. His name was Mr. Mendez my mother set him straight one day but that did not change him and the way he looked at me.

I can remember the horror of the first time I walked into the boyz locker room. Yes Boyz yes they were nekid and yes I saw and wanted to look but one big problem as soon I would take off my pants someone would see I had nothing down their. This alone would get me killed. I knew boys who beat up gay men coming out of a gay bar and just knew they would think me gay. I remember the room spinning, I remember the shear horror of what was about to happen to me, I knew I was about to faint and could do nothing to keep my legs under me from turning to jello and lights from going out all I remember was it all got dark. I woke in the hospital with stitches in my head and my mother looking very mad. It was on this day I was told I was 12 weeks pregnant with my mother and the whole world in the room. I was 14 my mother demanded to know who's it was I said I did not know. I at this time I knew nothing about how babies were born or conceived. We never had the sex talk as far as I was concerned or knew it was in the water. When I got my period she had nothing to do with me. It was almost like she hated me. She shipped me to my grandmother in Tn. to have my baby.

So you wonder what restroom did I use I learned to hold it till P.E. when I could us the coaches restroom. I got real good at holding it. Till this day I can hold it for 8 to 10 hours I can go to sleep having to pee and get up in the morning and go. Even today I face some of the same problems as today more than ever now I look more like a man than a woman.

Today I have to pay complete attention to where the restrooms are and if I may run into a child or not either boy or girl does not matter. If I am in a fast food joint and their is more than one stall in the women restroom I can not go in. I may run into a little girl whom I may scare the same with the mens. Because of my mother and how I was born I have to make choices everyday most people never think of.

I still face the very same fear of locker room 28 years after the very first time. I was riding the train one day from San Diego to L.A. union station. I had to use the restroom but the trains was small so I waited till I got to the train station. I got off the train and headed for the restroom. Well im here to tell you if you have been to union station in L.A. you know what im talking about it is a busy place and the restrooms are just horrible you do not dare sit down. as I walk towards the restroom I could see a line 20 or 30 people out the door of the women's so I thought ok I ll use the mens. As i walked in the smell of urine was so strong it hit me like a train and all of a sudden I could feel my legs giving way. I turned around even though I was only maybe 6 steps in and ran. It was so overwhelming their are no words to describe it. Same stuff 28 years later.

Did I mention I was a marine yup me a marine (LOL)

So after all the stupid stuff of high school I wanted to run and did straight to the marines.I took my son to my grandmother where he stayed till I got out of boot camp. The only place that said hey wait you are not a guy. You are a girl. Ok this was the 70's women we were coming into our own but none the less that does not mean they wanted us in the service they did not. Girls yall got it lucky today they have come along way since the 70's. Their wasn't very many of us so they did what they could at best it was crude and the instructors were men and did not want us their. The service was for men not for women. Now yall get combat rolls. Then that was not going to happen. Yes they trained us for combat. I remember very vividly throwing a hand grenade or should I say dropping it right on the ground in front of the whole world. The man wrote a great big spastic on my back. I mean give me a break. They put a live grenade in your hand and tell you to throw it and that you have five seconds. You never saw so many run so fast to grab a live grenade as it fell out of my hand right on the ground in front of 15 or 20 girls. Im here to tell you those men can move fast. Turns out I was going to have to do that again not funny not even close.

So then you move on to other parts of combat training. Like the tear gas room. This room is designed to humiliate men. They give you this gas mask teach you how to clear it and put it on. Ok no big deal. They send you into this room full of tear gas mask on no big deal then this man comes in and tells you to take the mask off. Thats when it all hits you. Tear gas affects women worse than men we have more moist places then men and it burns. So you take it off then all of a sudden it hits you, you panic because of the extreme burning in your eyes and nose and mouth not to mention the other place that has been burning since you came in and you thought great I get a yeast infection now. so you are in complete panic and can not clear your mask or get it back on. so you go running out of this room with snot hanging to your knee's yes very attractive and crying because you are burning so bad. And at the thought of you are going to have to do this again and again till you get that mask on and clear it.

So then comes the shooting of the guns this is fun. All you can see is the instructors face about 200 yards or so away and you shoot him. Then if you miss their is someone down in the ground with a stick and a red dot on it to show you where you hit the target. Good grief do not miss here you are looking for the stick and its like 6 targets away from yours the one you were shooting at and their are a few more who have joined that person making a smiley face and laughing at you. Of course it is guys who else would it be. Then to top off the whole gun thing you get a medal. I was an expert for all of you who know that is the lowest in the marines. They call it the toilet seat and I had one.

Did yall know girls bob when they walk. Never knew that never cared to until they taught us to march. You march until someone says stop and you stop till someone says march. In the middle of a San Diego summer in green long sleeves and no hair and blisters on your ears.

Oh ya that one is funny to. When we first got their we had to stand on these yellow feet markings. everyone had to be their by midnight. So here you are standing their and people are coming in they all have hair. Little did we know the next day we would all be bald and have no idea who each other was. Or even if some of us were girls that was kinda scary.

You learn to field strip an m-16 in less than a minute and put it back together in the dark. You learn how to make mountains of dead people then stand atop them. Not really something you want to know but you learn it. You learn it because you have no other choices. Because you have a child one you love that depends on you and you are all you have you are alone you and your child. You do it because years earlier the people who were supposed to love you determined your fate for you. You had no choice or say so in your early life. And now you are facing odds most people will never understand. You will always be judged for who you are. It will always be thought that you made a choice to be this way.

You will be judged the rest of your life. By your children's teachers by other mothers at school by parishioners of your church by the mothers of your church. By your children's friends parents. Your children will not be able to live a normal life either. Their friends will not be allowed at your house because of what their parents think of you. They will not get to know you to form a real opinion about you, they will feel sorry for your children and believe that they are lying about being happy. They will believe your children will be lying about how happy your family is. That their is no way your family could ever be happy that you could not possibly be a good mother. All because of how you look.

Distant memories it is early in the morning and I am awake great. I was watching this movie called recruiters on tv just a few minutes ago. Our country is at war right now. I am eating pretzels from staters the butter ones. So you ask why? Because I like them and I can. I still have teeth.

Back to distant memories. Its funny our mind. Kinda like me and the dropping the hand grenade thing. I remember that very well I can still see it till this day. I can still feel my stepfathers breath on my neck. Only now it has a sickening cringe followed by a chill to go along with it. I wonder why the good memories fade or is it just mine. So many times memories are portrayed as being these things that are life like. My question to yall are your memories life like. Are all of them as vivid as they are seen when people in movies are remembering back. I know nightmares are that vivid and frightening.

Never understood
Ya know I never understood people. They spend the 20 or 30 years first part of life doing drugs and trying to figure out happiness. I often wonder how many people in their later years of life have realized that if they just let life be. let themselves be they will become who they were intended to be. That instead of trying to force life that they just let it go in its own direction. They would find out very shortly what was intended for them. But no the less they force life their parents force life their friends force life. Then what do you get a person who has no clue. Who was never left alone to discover what they were good. We all know what we are good at whether it be good with animals or children. Whether it be writing or singing. Whether you are born to lead or born to follow. Their is a place for everything in this world. We can not all own companies. We can not all be actors or politicians. But we all were born to be one thing and to serve one purpose that is to look after and serve each other. What a world it would be if people were not pushed to be one way or another. I think we would have honest politicians because no one would be pushing for their part that was not really meant for then anyways. If something was meant for you truly meant for you it will come your way without lies without deception with pushing. For most people success does not come their way until after 50 this is known fact. After 50 we are seasoned veterans of life of understanding. A clearer view of what is important and necessary is achieved. But none the less we cant wait we have to have it now so we push.

Then their are the people that after 30 or 40 years of doing drugs decide it is time to join the human race. To become a person who contributes who wants more. But they have wasted the best years and will never get them back. They try to start over at the bottom in their mid 40s. these are the selfish people. The ones who are out only for themselves they put their family second and are willing to ruin their family to do what they should have done 20 years ago. They fight against over welming odds and most often never do anything but put their family through a financial crisis. On occasion one does make it into a new trade but none the less they are at the bottom. Most of their bosses are much younger then them and it never really works. Usually these people have worked a trade such as construction and have never really applied their self their also.

Then they fall back right into that same pattern. Some of them become homeless others try their best to beat the system. Still others just die. As they have no medical care because even as a young person they could not do something as simple as invest 4 years in the service. Which would have given them simple medical care for their life. And saved them from being homeless.

I see it you see they are today hobo's Yes their are exceptions for example california has the working class homeless and poor. People who think living the dream of being homeless in california is far better than say owning a home in Oklahoma or Mississippi Arkansas. What is this about they live somewhere where their children can not eat a regular meal or have a regular bath or health care. California is awash with people who just want to live in California even if they die on the streets. People in California step all over each to live and call living somewhere where you can ask your neighbor to hand you the toilet paper living. Where a home can not be purchased for 35,000 dollars. Where a one bedroom condo costs 5 million dollars.

Something funny as I write this today Oct.27 2008 the world is the middle of a financial melt down. My thoughts on this melt down. It fueled by one country and its need for greed. Break it down even farther by what I would say is 4 states in this country. Here is the breakdown.

Their are some beautiful places to live in this country. First California is not one. But yet people will a million dollars for a home that say in My home town Memphis costs 55,000 dollars.

I was talking to friend of mine who lives in alpine wyoming OMG a beautiful place to live. One big problem the entire Teton valley which is where Alpine is is just west of the Grand Tetons. The town of Alpine has a population of about 2000 people. It is a small town basically in middle of the continental divide. This area when the early settlers came through was known as starvation valley. Winters are brutally cold and long it is an alpine valley only the die hard live their during the winter. The growing season is short for rancher so ranching even though they do a lot of it mostly potato's isn't as good as say like alfalfa. But yet people from California land of sunshine and no rain and even less snow in southern ca. mostly sell their homes take the profit and go up to states like wyoming montana idaho and pay prices for land that are unheard of.

You can go to an alpine valley in southern colorado where it gets just as cold where the elevation is even higher as it is the highest alpine valley in the USA and buy land for less than 500 dollars and acre San Luis Rey valley Alamosa Colorado it is equally as beautiful their. In Alpine an acre of land only because people from California Movie stars and the likes wanta be's live their is over 10,000 dollars an acre and the funny thing is this in these areas the winny southern california relocators are not liked for driving up the price of the land.

Slipping away
My thoughts on Alzheimer's disease

My thought is this. Now that I am getting older
I totally understand it. Its not really a disease at all
Its people and I would say without really having any
real understand. That it affects more women then men.

Guys yall do not worry like we do. The vast majority of yalls
worries come to an end long before ours do. Yes yall die earlier
But we lose our minds earlier.

Why I say that. Our minds as with our bodies were never met
for the worry that is put upon them. I think it is minds working over
time for 50 years or so. Then it just all starts to slip away.
Little by little now I feel my own slipping away.

Little things start to leave. I remember all my childrens birthdays
But the years have slipped away now. I had to ask my daughter
on her birthday how old she was.

You see we are born to die. Yes it is true living on a ranch and being
around animals makes you aware of how true this is. Life is a circle
on the ranch ever changing and the rancher knows this every year new
babies are born. And every year others die.

They never know they are dying but we as humans we see them dying
we do all we can to keep it from happening. But never the less no matter
how hard we try we walk in one day and they are dead. It is slow and
painless for them. But it is not for us we see it it hurts our hearts to
see a baby animal dying.

It is the same for us we do not see it as we get older we feel
ourselves getting weaker needing more sleep being in more pain.
Then if we are lucky like the baby animal we fall asleep and
never wake up. We are gone if we live alone it wont be discovered
for some time. Till a friend says I haven't spoke to J in a long time. I
wonder if she is okay. I guess this is why we need a room mate
at least we wont stink up the house.
Normal

It is really funny. I never thought of myself as not being just a normal person. I have at times thought I was retarded though. Childhood aside yes I was raped by my stepfather but lots of girls were. Im not even 1 in a million I am 1 in billions who have been silent about what was done. I carried out my plan for life without the family that supported this man. I kept my children 3000 miles away from him. I never lived in fear that he would do to one of them what he did to me. But back to the point.

I always thought I was just normal other Than the occasional passing thought of be retarded. I went to high school had friends graduated and ran like hell. never looked back never wanted to come back. Once again as of today I am 48 years and 77 days old. I have dealt with a lot, I have been through a lot, I am a sum of a lot of well u can imagine. I have served this country and until 3 years ago no one ever said thanks. One person said it was because of me and the rest of the men and women who serve that immigration is a problem. That was many years ago but Im still thinking on that one. I have birthed and raised 6 children. I have survived cancer I have survived. I often wonder why? Im no one special as a matter of fact I m less than special. As i said I have always just thought I was normal. I mean normal people at least once in their lives try to kill them selves right. No really a brief stupid moment. I have just said I m trying my best to get from day to day. I was a marine and was shot by some guy sitting in the seat of a jet messing around.

Heck I cant even get shot by the bad guys.

Once again I have gone through a lot. But just thought it was part of this thing called life it sucks. Then one day I had a problem. With a man at work while working nights for a newspaper. No I was nothing special just one of the people who put the adds in the paper. A man started doing and saying things about me. The paper did nothing. I filed a law suit against the paper. I got this great attorney his name was Don. 2 months into the case he calls me 3 days before I go into the hospital and says J I m sorry I cant handle your case anymore. I am going back to work for a firm and can not bring your case with me. But I have a friend who wants to handle your case now come on 3 days before I am supposed to go in the hospital for major surgery just great. So a friend of mine hears I need another attorney. Did you know in california their are as many attorneys as their are hair dressers. LOL Do you think the hair dressers know something.

So I get out of the hospital call this high faluting attorney. Who's office is 200 miles from my home and he wants me to come down and meet him. he ask's me my story he ask's about me what type of person I am he just generally spends about half an hour on the phone with me. As we are talking he says to me have you ever considered living with other people like yourself. I am not gay nor am I a lesbian. I am not a cross dresser. I am nothing that would ever offend anyone so I thought I live my life keep to myself and raise my horses. Their is how ever one big problem I look more like a man than woman. but I live on a ranch I work on a ranch I push around 1500 pound horses I throw 200 pound bales of hay. I do a mans job and love it I am a carpenter by trade. yes I am strong stronger than most men. i have suffered from cancer and the resulting treatments. I have survived. But as i said I never thought of myself any different than the rest of the world. I have a large group of friends who I do horses and birds with I never have any problems with them. So as we are continuing to talk he makes several statements pertaining to me and my life style. He has never seen me nor has he been to my ranch. but already I am doing something wrong. So we make a date for me to come down their he tells me he will send me the directions to get to his office. Then we hang up. it was funny he never sent me the directions and he never entered the appointment in his book. Funny how people are.

So during this time while Im waiting to meet with him I see this program come on tv it is something about prison life in alabama and their is this man on their claiming he is a women. I thought to myself are you crazy you are a man in a prison for men your not a women. Then at that very moment my life had become clear as a bell. When people see me they think I m crazy. They say You look like a guy are you nuts. It was on that day I realized I am not normal anymore I am the side show attraction. And im sure when I die they will be fighting for my body just so the headlines can read it was a she confirmed.

I guess the funny thing is we all consider ourselves to be normal. No matter what what we see in the mirror.

What is it that defines normal or not normal. Is their guidelines or even a book. I saw a show about a two headed lamb or maybe a goat I do not remember. I wonder if that goat or lamb or wait even a snake thought it was no normal. I did see the one with the two headed snake also. It said that one of the heads was the dominant head but other than that it thought it was a normal snake. This is mother nature here something we have no control over. Get it again we have no control over mother nature and her course of action when it comes to us, animals or the weather.

So many times people think because someone looks different that that difference carries through to all aspects of their life. For example people think that because i was born both sexes that I must carry a desire for each sex. Why is that? Why can I not just desire one sex one person one love. Why because my body is different are my thoughts different they are not. Why can I not have a normal sex drive? Like all other women. Why do people think my fantasies would not be the same as single sex persons. I do not have two heads I have one, one thought pattern one self awareness, one type of understanding. Why is it that when I take a spatical test or whatever that test is it does not say Boy and girl. Why is it that it reads only one. (girl)

Why is it that people are so afraid of me. What is it that makes you single out people who are different. Or do people just do it for kicks to take the attention off of themselves. Because I can tell you one thing their is nothing like being singled out on the street corner for no reason by someone you have never met before. Or being cornered by a person in an elevator on a train platform. Their is nothing to give you away you are alone waiting for the train and all of a sudden someone has a problem with you. You have done nothing but yet you are confronted and faced with having to deal with this man. All alone now people say J you are a big girl you can easily defend yourself against anything a man would do to you. Yes this is true but it still does not make things any less scary in life.

All of a sudden this person wants to know are you a man or a woman. The first thing that comes to your mind is what have I done to you? How do you know me at all I have never met you or ever seen you before. Their is nothing like being called a liar because you have not told people what you are. Now I know the first thing you are thinking is why would someone care. But people do it is hard to explain people think of a lot of things. And their is a boy club kinda like the mommy club.

The usual people who gather at the school waiting for children are mommies. We gather their waiting for our children and talk about our husbands,teachers,principles and our children. We talk about the day and things that are worth talking about. We are never to concerned about politics or really anything that does not affect our immediate families or close friends. The weather is sometimes the subject but often not as we do not care to try and figure it out and it is ever changing. This is the mommy club only way to get in and very few men are part of it.

You see then their is the man club a much more elite club. Unlike the mommy club it has no women at all. Where as the mommy club does on occasion have a man in it. Men talk about a lot of things way more than women. They can talk about anything and it does not have to even be part of their life or world. They talk with other guys about guys and girls. They talk about their secretary their boss the girl at the market or waitress or just a girl they saw on the street or bus. Their conversations are way more in depth about these things about all things as a matter of fact. So much so that when they speak about these things they have to be careful. And once what they feel is a traitor is among them they have to recall everything said and think wait did I say this.

Because they know from experience women retain way more of a conversation then men do and are afraid of that very thing. They have to replay in their head every conversation they ever had with me. Now this can be a task in itself never mind anything else said.

My friend says well J I have grown up as one of the boys and the guys excepted me as one. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Conversations are tailored to fit the moment and the presence of a woman never think they are not. With men the biggest thing is how quiet women are when they speak in groups. They think we are talking about them. Because we are in a group talking quietly among ourselves it never dawns on them that this is how women are taught to talk and how we find help among each other.

Being Young

It is tough. Does that saying really make sense? Does it even equate? From the 60's on life and families changed. Who do we blame? Well here is your answer.

Free Love. Not really it was more like free sex and people who choose not to take responsibility for their actions. Their is a time when things are supposed to pass. When we grow up. As we are all on this world to only live once then give way. I remember when people did not talk about who they voted for for president. I remember duck and cover. I remember the blockade and how afraid the country was of nuclear war. I remember the thing on the tv and the sound that it made making everyone pay attention. It was a time when being patriotic did not matter. I remember mothers and fathers in shame because their sons ran off to hide from the draft. They were called draft dodgers. The same people who burn our flag live under the protection of it. People young men and women die so they can burn our flag. Flag burners are cowards. And if given their way would lead us all to death for their stupid beliefs of love not war. Their beliefs would be fine if their were no ego's and people wanting to rule other people. But that will never happen. From the simplest to most extreme. The simplest being men wanting to dominate women. The extreme people wanting to kill each other for their religious beliefs.

Peace love free love it is for fools. I wonder if the U.S. said hey ok we give up. We are getting rid of all our weapons. We from now on will be a peaceful country we will have no military and no police.

Which country's do you think would want the U.S. more Canada or Mexico. Forget the rest across ocean's. It will take them a few days to get here. I wonder which gang's would lay down their gun's. I wonder how many families would fight for what they have worked so hard for and kill to keep their children safe. Law and order the police the military without them where would we be today.

Peace not war free love. It is for people who have no clear understanding of human kind. I once met a man. He was worthless. Why because he had no clear understanding of what a man does. A husband takes a bullet for his family he does not hide in a closet or take his family to the basement in hopes they will not be found. He works his body till it can work no more then he goes on until finally it is his time to give way.

I am from Memphis Tn. Yes the patron state of shooting stuff. I have always said if you want bin laden caught. Go to Tn. Offer the guys a new four wheeler and the best rifle made and a million dollars. They will have him in a week.

Free love peace not war. We had a man his name was box car willy he lived on southern next to the train track's in a box I do not know if he ever jumped a train or not. But I would assume so. He was a hobo today we call them homeless. I call them lazy.

So let's look at being young. And all of thing's that went by the side and were never taught anymore because of free love and free sex. It is no coincidence that in the early years people men and women practiced being what they were to become. As it is no coincidence their were brothels.

Acid rock did it get its name because the bands that played it were not on acid?
Because the people who listened to it were on acid?
Or because of the little dots on a piece of paper that at one time were just candy for children?

Bands were these people at that time just normal people doing normal things.
The posters the black lights the color was it supposed to add to the experience of hallucinating.
Did any of this make life better? Did any of it make better people?
Answer no it made drug addicts people who today after 25 years still can not get their life together. Today they know how stupid they were. Back then it was the way to be.

I wonder how many people remember Fonzy?

By standards back in the 50's Fonzy was a looser. But he was cool and all the boys looked up to him and the girls wanted to be his girl. A smart girl stayed away from him.

Why do we now have birth control. Because so many parents refuse to stay the course with their children. Today we concentrate more on keeping our children from smoking than we do keeping them from have sex and babies. The slogan say's just say no to drugs. Why does it not say just say no to the boy's. Why does it become societies job to keep our children safe. like we drill into their heads don't smoke cant we drill into their heads don't have sex. Their are families today that do this and it works. Think of all of the money saved on birth control.

By parents not teaching the things they are supposed to. We are setting our own children up to fail beyond belief. Let's talk about the Bible for a second. Sorry I will be as brief as possible. The reason the bible preaches abstinence is because it make's for a better life for our children and us. The thought of someone saving them selves just for you. What does that really do for a person and the one they love. OMG it does so much that only the people who do it know. It creates trust knowing the person you are with has never had sex with another makes you feel important to that person. That creates a whole different kind of love a much deeper and understanding kind of love. Why does it say this because their will be things that happen where all of it comes into play.

Sex leads to living together. Here is what is said by most couples who live together at first. Well if we live together I will know what kind of man or woman he or she is. Wrong living together makes a child grow up before they should. Sex makes a child grow up before they should. It is met to be an adult decision. But our children are allowed to grow up before they need to. Their are decisions that require much more understanding to make and sex is one. Once the choice for sex has been made their is no turning back. Todays young women never say do I want this man to be the father of my child? Do I want to have child with this man? Will this boy be a father at all? As do older women today look at a man who is cheating on his wife to be with them and say will he do this to me? Or if a man is divorced and has children is he in their life does he pay child support or not? All of these things are clues to what lies ahead for this woman and any children had with this man. Their can be no good reason for a man not being in a child of his bloods life. Most men want things to be their way and if they cant get their way they just let the child grow up without them.

Young women today think birth control is 100 percent protection against getting pregnant they never dream or think it will happen to them until it does. And when it happens it is earth shattering and life destroying. As with abortion which some chose they have killed their very own child. Life begins at conception. Today we keep brain dead people alive for years hoping they will recover. Essentially these people have no Brain and without a brain they have no heart they will die. If life support is discontinued a child's life support is its mother for nine months without her they die also. Most women today who have had abortions are haunted by the fact that they killed their child they just never tell you that at planned parenthood. This is the best support for not having sex at all never having to kill your own child. Or you could wait till they are like 2 years old buckle then in their car seats and watch your car roll into a lake with your children in it same thing.

Of course trust being the most important one. Because without trust you have nothing. Today if a young woman is not taught to abstain she will live to regret it. Her reputation will forever suffer. She will always be questioned and never believed. God forbid should anything ever happen for example she is raped. She hold's little to no chance of being believed because she has a reputation that people talk about and when her friends are questioned. They confirm her reputation.

The reason's for abstinence can not be over looked or neglected. Today's young women have to be brought back to and taught traditional value's. if this does not happen. It is plain to see what will happen. A rise in Std's A rise in rapes that can not be proven or prosecuted. A world without value's. You may say wait hold hold just a minute why does it fall on todays women and mothers. Because a majority of the teachers in the world are women. Women alone poses the ability and are trusted more by children to lead them in the right direction. Can a man do this yes he can but with less success. All women are born believers and can believe where men can not. We do not need reason to believe We do not need understanding to believe. We believe because of who we are and what we are. Women love unconditionally no matter what. Women know they need someone to protect them.

This is not thing against men at all. It is however a women thing and success in this area will only come from women.
Making yourself a target.

No matter who you are, no matter what gender, no matter what your sexual orientation is you must never make yourself a target. Believe me I know about being a target. I was one. As a young girl I was my mother. In sixth grade I beat up a boy. In seventh grade I made a boy bleed but only because he wore braces. In the eight grade I broke a boys nose. In the ninth grade a boy paid another boy to beat me up he chased until the eleventh grade then he caught me he was about 100 pounds heavier than me. I made him cry. In the eleventh grade a boy hung around me just so he would not get beat up by the other boys. He was very hansom his name was walter.

at 17 I was tough enough to join the marines. I could stand up to anything any boy or man had to give. All of my life I have been tough. Never afraid to fight never afraid to bleed.

I beat up so many boys that most of them were afraid of me. We had some boys in our neighborhood who liked to drag girls into their fort. Even they were afraid of me. When any of my sisters had a problem with a boy or anyone. They came to find me. And where was I sitting alone under a tree. Despite being the toughest girl in Garden Grove. To all but a few I was invisible. Was I pretty I was average bigger than most girls. I was not afraid in anyway of boys and what they did. I could and would hurt them at their games. They would do things at PE like draw me into a game and try to hurt me not only could I take it but I hurt them.

As a grown woman I have been shot had my teeth knocked out. I have been hit in the back of the head with a 2×4 and bit the sides of my tongue off. I have faced a man in a flea market while pregnant pointing a gun at my belly. The only thing I could think at that time was if you shoot me I will break your neck before I die. I have given birth to six children 2 Girls and 4 boys. Are my kids tough 1 of them is fighter.

Was I ever afraid never as then and now I am not afraid to die for things I hold closest to my heart. By things I mean my beliefs and my loves.

In life you can never give in. You can never not fight. And you will bleed for your beliefs. Bleeding comes in many ways not just the red stuff.

So you may say how could I ever become a target. It was easy. Love is a twisted thing. It makes everything make sense and nothing make sense. It defies truth and ignores reason and understanding.

Love can never be measured it is infinite but yet for some reason it seems to end.

Does love hurt? More than most know.

Today life is the same as it was back in the fifties or the forties or even earlier. What does love involve. Two people or should I say humans. One big problem with the human part. All humans are messed up in one way or another.

Their are basic equations needed to make a healthy child. A mother and a father period. Im sorry but this is how it is their is no man who knows how to be a mother their is no mother who knows how to be a father. Their can be no substitutes.

A daughters first crush is on her father. She is his princess and he will treat her like that. Like wise with boys their first crush is their mother as is evident by the fact that so many men live at home well into their thirties or longer. Their can be no substitute for mom either period. A step parent will never love a child that is not theirs like they would their own. They will try but will always know the truth.

If you take one or the other away you have child who has never learned the love of one or the other. This is very important as it is usually the daughter. That suffers the most. In a divorce most of the time the children stay full time with the mother. Some times the father is their most of the time he is not. He has become part time. He tries to start a new life as does the mother.

Here is where the real trouble starts. A real big problem is this becomes twisted and toxic. Fathers or should I say Men have this urge to procreate and pass on their seed. They also have very big egos im not saying women do not. But a man who is no equipped to be a father early in life or even latter in life. Does not know to stay away. So it twists even more. His princess can never be his princess fully so she will lack the first feelings of love for him. And if he leaves in the middle of her being his princess all is lost. She will feel as if she can never be loved. Like wise she will have never really learned to love the true way. This twists it even more. The father will not relent he push's on trying to be who he supposed to be. Then he remarries and another daughter is born. One who for the time replaces the first. Then again the father divorces again. This time he has two little princesses both now left behind. Both feeling unloved and unwanted by the man they love most.

Yet this father continues on in his search for the right woman. All the time only having little to no contact with his two princess who now feel like they never mattered. Can you see the twist? Can you see what the father has done? Would his daughters be better off with him out of their life completely? Yes beyond any doubt. Because his presence has also create and racked havoc on their mothers not allowing her to focus on them and finding them a father who will at least love them. So what happens these two young girls grow up to be women. They have no idea of how to love they have their version or what they think is their version. They have no idea how to trust as the man they trusted most early on destroyed that trust and it never properly developed again. They try latter in life to allow him back in their lives. But he has not changed he is the same. He leaves them feeling more confused because now they are of an age to understand and want their father. But yet he does not want them like they want and need him. Why? because he is who he is, is he a bad person most likely not but often than not yes he is a bad person. Usually in his late thirties early forties still not settled involved in drugs all of his life and self centered. All that matters in life is that he get this twisted satisfaction he has created. He knows he can call either of them act as if he cares make promises as if he will be their when he hangs up and these two now young women will say I love you and not turn him away. If either of them said never call me again he most likely never be bothered and never call again as it has let him off the hook.
Control

So many try to control the one they love with violence or fear.

Funny thing is control takes neither.

If you want to control someone love them truthfully and their

love for you will control them. That kind of control

hurts nobody and is welcome by both.

What ? I dont know !

How do you awaken a world ?
How do you tell them or get them to read something that is life changing for them and their families?
How do you change the world?
Is it one act of random kindness?
Is it by telling them that 1 in 3 men wears some kind of women's clothing?
Is it by telling them that the average child molester will have touched 128 children in is or her lifetime in an inappropriate way?
Is it by telling them that uncle BOB is a very smart deviate and chooses his victims from within his own family pool of children?
Is it by telling a mother and a father never let your children out of your sight?

What ? Can I do ?

You very quickly learn what life is about as a raped child. The one thing you never learn is how to trust or how to love. The ability to tell the difference between right and wrong is lost forever. The ability to allow yourself to be loved is lost forever. As you grow older you become aware life is no longer about you. It becomes about saving the rest the children who will be forever silenced by these people. As you get older you understand their are literally billions of you out their from the 1960 to now. Today mothers still turn their heads and a blind eye. Creating yet another generation of damaged human being's.

How do I make parents see the best way to keep their children safe from a lifetime of torture.

I dont know I guess life is about statistics and becoming one. Now a days they count everything Now a days they run stories on tv or in the papers they do not have to be right just sell.

So how do you make a headline world pay attention.

Heres what we do. Give time forget money give time. Time after time billionaires give money but never time. They build schools start foundations. They make the world look at them as if they care about the rest of us. Give time. Forget the tax shelters and tax right-offs for donating the millions you make each year. Your money makes very little difference and certainly not as much as your time. If you want to build a school build it here Go to where you want to build that school with camera's pick up a hammer or a broom and give for days on end. Be tired and have sore muscles and blisters on your hands. SOmething to really show for what you are doing. Your money just pays other people to do what you could. Want to lose some weight spend 3 long summer months on your jobsite building your school without cameras or reporters see how glamorous that is.

When children are young babies they learn to get moms attention or make her listen they have to cry or act up. As parents we learn this never changes and as adults some of still cry and act out to get the attention of others. But how do our preteens get us to listen and believe what they are telling us.

Back to Basics.

You just listen to your children see anything different or changes in their ways or people who were never then come back ask yourself everyday who is around my child. So many times people thing the predator is on the internet when the predator is right in front of them

Roosters and hens

Have you ever seen the rooster dance? He will dip his wing and shuffle around to get your attention now you do not have to be a hen to get this dance and it is a sweet dance very pretty and very funny at the same time. Peacocks do it also and they are much more funny as they have a large train and when it is spread they can not see behind them. So you can touch them then and they do not know who it was that touched them.

So what is a rooster? A boy and nothing more but much more funny. If you walk on a rooster he will act like he is doing something even if you saw before you got close and was just standing their doing nothing. All of sudden he is doing something because you saw him, He will even try and eat a stick because you saw him they are so funny. He will point the eye closest to you in the air and start his dance for you and crow. I do not know if they do this with boys as I am never around when a boy is around them.

Now hens on the other hand are only interested in staying away from the rooster as he is aggressive and chases them. For sex they will sit on eggs just so he can not get to them and they know this. If you walk up on a hen and she is doing nothing she will continue to do nothing and not fake it or pretend to not be afraid she will allow you to pick her but does not really want to be messed with. She will allow you to hold her and pet her and not put up to much of a fight.

Sound like anyone you know?

As I sit here on a early dec morning looking at how low the snow has fallen on the mountains. Eating the eggs my girls have layed and enjoying them.